Webster tells us this:
Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.
Scary, huh? So how did I get to this point? All I can say, is it happened fast...and it then it lingered.
It was the last thing that I thought of as I drifted off to sleep and my first thought as my eyes opened and I won't say that there were many nights that it kept me up. It was my fuel for the day, my calmness in the storm...my daily ritual. Many times over the years I had the realization and the opportunity to let it go, but even the unstableness of it, as scary as it was, was always more comforting than my reality. It was my Go-To place...it was where my mind was at peace.
I am no pill popper, I don't inject my body with anything and while I drink socially, I am certainly not an alcoholic. I can handle caffeine, chocolate and a rigorous workout in moderation, they certainly do not define me or rule my day.
When most people come to terms with an addiction it is through counseling or rehab...it is a long journey. I've spent a little time in the therapists office in the past year, and I've gladly taken the prescribed amount of Prozac to deal with the obstacles that have been placed at my feet. Both were hugely beneficial!! But coming to terms and actually having the guts to do something about it, do not always happen at the same time. You can recognize that you have a problem and still be scared to death to remove it from your life. You can know that it is bad for you and detrimental to your health and in the same breath FIGHT to keep it. As wrong as it is...it is comforting.
There were plenty of times I rearranged my day to fit it in...I moved appointments, I cancelled plans with friends, I let go of my schedule to accomodate it...to my own detriment. Outsiders could see it, my husband could see it, my friends were well aware, and yet they describe it as watching someone spin out of control and not feeling like they could stop it. If it had been a bottle or a pill or a needle that needed to be removed they could have easily made the call to throw me in the back of the Crazy Wagon and have me hauled off until I was better...but this was more difficult to get a grasp on. You see when it is a PERSON that is your drug, it is harder for everyone else to step in and take control. People are leery to get involved when it could be their word against someone else's, and especially when they don't have all of the details. But when the person is in your life for the wrong reasons, and when their presence is no longer a benefit to you...they should be removed. The longer you hold on to this the worse it all becomes. You lose yourself. You lose sight of your own goals. You lose sight of what is REALLY important. You are so consumed by this drug that you can not function as yourself. It is TOXIC. You spend more time trying to cover up the situation than you do living. The tears that are shed and the energy that is consumed is overwhelming. You grasp to hang on to it because honestly, it is what you know, and you feel control for what you know. Being at the doorstep of uncertainty...is way more terrifying!! Change is PAINFUL...but with change comes growth. Being able to stand up and say "I see it"..."I know it was wrong"..."I am sorry"...that is a beautiful thing. Even proclaiming , "that is the worst decision that I could have ever made", "THANK GOD IT IS OVER", admitting that you were WRONG!!! SO VERY WRONG...is a great feeling. Telling everyone who tried to help you along this path of discovery..."Thank you, and you were right"...helps you get through it.
Hearing your friends say "I can hear it in your voice that you are better", "I can feel the smile on your face"... powerful. And the best feeling, is the peace that instantly comes over you when you escort the presence from your life and you shut the door. Not even the realization of all that you have lost, be it memories or material things, will take away the peace that you have now found. I am better than the decisions that I have made...yet I am grateful from what I learned from them. What a crazy winding road we travel on our way to self discovery. If you think something or someone is holding your back, they probably are...make the changes necessary to be able to live the life that you deserve. I promise you...this will be the most terrifyingly POSITIVE thing that you will ever do.
To the end of this addiction I can say, I have no regrets that it is gone...On with LIFE!
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