One more thing...

Do you think it is possible to run out of tears?  To forget how to hug? To stop feeling pain?  I seem to be at that point.  I know that I have emotions...but they seem to be buried so far beneath this hardened exterior that they can not get out.
Every new challenge is met with they thought of "GREAT, one more thing"...and I smile, and I wave, and I go on.
The life that I used to live so freely is gone...it's never coming back.  The daily routine I had, no matter how insane...vanished.  One more log on the fire, one more notch in the belt, one more...one more.
I am not the person I was...inside or out.  I lost control.  I lost control of my body when I stopped my (Yes, CrAzY) workout routine, I'm on the downhill slide to 40 and I've fought the physical ramifications of it for a while...hence the Botox and Implants!! No regrets there!!
 I lost control of my emotions when I lost my Grandmother...and 8 more family members in about 2 years (my daughters as toddlers were playing "Barbie goes to funeral", NO JOKE!)
I lost control of my career when I lost my best friend, not that it was her fault that I couldn't deal with not having her around...but I certainly lost FOCUS on what I was supposed to be doing in my life.
I lost control of my ENTIRE EXISTENCE when my husband drove that lawnmower up the steep ramp and became paralyzed and we spent 5 weeks in hospitals and rehab, kids living like gypsies, house torn up.
And now...I'm just out of control.  Is it inappropriate to call an intervention on yourself?
I've dealt with what I can and now I am tired.  I am DRAINED.  I've cried all of the tears and even my teenager is telling me "Mom, you are supposed to HUG with 2 hands!" What happened to ME?!?!?
I get message upon message from friends and even acquaintances telling me to "Keep my chin up", "Don't lose your SPARKLE!" "Thank You, for sharing your journey with us".  Sometimes I read these and I think...These people must think my life is a Soap Opera!!  I think I will call it "As Your Stomach Churns"...due to the GUT WRENCHING pain that seems to consume most of it.
I...am at a standstill.
I am petrified! I am frozen! I am LOST!
What if I do not emerge on the other side of this the same person that I was before? What if I am worse? What if the only person responsible for me is ME?  What if I don't learn to trust again? Or LOVE again? What if my hugs are always empty and my smiles are fake? Even GLITTER fades...
This is my daily struggle. No control.
2 weeks ago I moved out, upon request...I am now the tenant of 600 sq. ft. of wonderfulness. 1 bedroom, 1 bath...thin walls.  I have a neighbor who has a dog the size of a Shetland pony and who also enjoys dressing as Spiderman.  I also share a common wall with gentleman who can wake me from my sleep with his morning bathroom routine.  I have yet to watch a single TV episode or DVD because I cannot for the life of me figure out how to run the damn thing. But...it is quiet.  And when I am not with the kids, I have time to THINK.  Some evenings I can think for hours and not come up with a single productive thing...sometimes I figure out lots.  I feel like I am decompressing.  I have surrounded myself with pretty things, pictures of my children and of my friends, nothing cluttered or stressful.  No wheelchairs or standing frames or medical equipment...I know that sounds harsh, but that is my reality.
When I wake up in the mornings here I see 2 things immediately...1. A sign that hangs above a door in my room that says "YIELD...Small Changes, BIG results"  and 2. a mirror...the last thing that I see every night and the first thing I see every morning is MYSELF.
I feel like these blogs should also come with a disclaimer, like the ones that you see on reality TV crime shows..."The stories you are about to hear are taken from real life events, some details are removed to protect those involved"...as always, there is more to it than the bullet points that I lay out for you.  Much more!!
There is more in the way of outside influence in my life, more in the aspect of the sense of responsibility that I feel is expected from me both personally and professionally, more in the emotional aspect...due to the separation, the roller coaster of the accident and the aftermath of that also, the feeling of the loss of love.  There is so much more!!!
I see myself keeping those who love and care for me at bay.  Just far enough that if they decide this Soap Opera isn't one they want to guest star on, they can sneak away...and I won't get hurt. I have however latched on to one...and most likely the wrong one.  One that takes the focus off of me and my pain and allows me the outlet to say everything that I need to hear.  One that draws out the focus that I have left, one that allows me to laugh at the memories of better times and one that can call me on my crap when I get down.  And now, due to their own struggles...it's too much for them to handle so their character is being removed from the show.  Just what I need.  One more thing...
I should feel great pain in this realization...but sadly, I am not surprised.  I've already fought this battle and cried these tears.  I've come to the conclusion that I was supposed to learn a lesson from this person, maybe not the time I needed it...the saying that goes "Everyone is either a blessing or a lesson"...I will take comfort in the belief that I was a blessing to them when they needed it, and I am disheartened by the fact that they were my lesson.
I keep saying I just can't handle ONE MORE THING...but the things just keep coming.  I am learning to not take it personally.  But I would welcome a reprieve!
Here is the kicker...when we stop getting smacked with obstacles, we have run out of life.
Everything.  EVERY-thing. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G...happens for a reason!
I have the people in my life that I have because they have been placed here for me.  I believe that I had the children that I have, at the times I had them (be it way too young!), for a reason.  I have been handed the cards, and now I must play. Playing, might be starting a whole new game...or it might be picking up where I left off before...only time will tell.
I started this blog to help myself...I am continuing this blog due to the requests I have received to keep going with it.  I was criticized by some for telling these stories because they didn't paint a very good picture ...but this is LIFE.
This journey has hit a traffic jam...detours are not an option...the WILL to get through it, is all that I have packed...So, I will wait.
As a beautiful friend told me this morning...You can be pitiful or POWERFUL, it is your choice.
I choose Powerful.