I think I finally "get it"...

One of my earliest memories as a child of was about Jesus...
**For anyone who KNOWS me well...you are already confused about this particular blog post just from the first sentence, because Jesus isn't something that you've ever heard me talk about.**
I couldn't have been more than a preschooler...One of our many cats had kittens and one had died. I was standing at the back door of our garage at the house in Wyandotte and as plain as day, 30 plus years later I can still see this image...Jesus, dressed in the robe, bearded face, just like the picture that hung above the alter at the First Baptist Church in Wyandotte, standing in our back yard...holding the kitten... smiling at me, and elevating up to heaven. 
I have never claimed to be a "religious" person.  I would say that I am more "spiritual" than anything, thinking of this I decided to look up the actual definition of the word religion: The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods. 
I grew up in church.  We were there on Sundays, my Mom was the youth group leader, I went to church camp and I was baptized in elementary school, but to say that I could tell you the story of the bible...I cannot.
As an adult and a parent, I have never preached to my family or made church a regular event...but my children have understood the concept and beliefs of the church and all have participated in youth groups, Habitat events and attended ...and the oldest 3 have been baptized, due to their own faith, not one influenced by me.  
If you ask me if I believe in God, I would have no hesitation in telling you "YES, I do"...mostly because of that image in my backyard. Because I believe, to this day, that it was proved to me.
The confusing part to me is that I also believe in fate, karma, soul mates and the fact that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, none of which I correlate with religion.
Why would a SUPERHUMAN CONTROLLING POWER allow so much pain?  This has always alluded me. 
My life has been a bit of a roller coaster over the last year and a half, and by some of your standards probably longer than that. I do not believe that my struggles are any worse than yours, we all have our own stories, we all have our own pain. But there are times in our lives that we scream out and question "WHY!?!?" Why is this happening?? What did I do??? How were my sins any worse than anyone else's? Why am I being punished??
A year ago this past October I lost one of my best friends. She didn't die, but she is forever gone from my life.  I struggled for many months with this loss and just when I was about to turn a corner, Brian had his accident.
Life lesson: Never utter the phrase "nothing could be worse!"...there is ALWAYS something worse! 
So many people have told me to turn it all over to God, he won't fail me...and I have to say, I have wanted to reply, "REALLY?!?!"
I have learned to pray...A LOT! When I am in the car the radio is off, so I can process, and think...and PRAY. When I am home alone... no TV, no music, no noise...so I can do the same.  I want to make the right decisions for myself, for my family, for my children...and I feel like the decisions that make the most sense to me are very selfish at times, and I struggle with that.  When I read others Facebook status, or blogs or messages and they talk about "giving it all to God", I always think...I wish I was strong enough to do that!! I wish that I had that much faith that SOMEONE...that ANYONE had that much power in my life. 
In my world, realization takes time...I am a slow learner.  But I have put a few things together recently that have made all the difference.  I think that GOD gives us what we NEED...and apparently he knows better than I do.  
People are placed in our lives for a reason, to bless us or teach us...and either is fine. 
I lost my friend and I was miserable...I spent every day with this person. I confided in her, I trusted her and I adored her...and I was literally LOST with out her.  My life, routine and existence changed when she was gone.  I could not imagine why ANYONE or ANYTHING would allow this to happen.  It took me many months to accept all of this, and I can now finally look back on all of those memories of her and be thankful for what I learned and gained from that friendship. I owe that to a handful of people who put up with my drama and tears...and to God. The accident that happened in July...took the change in life, routine and existence to a whole new level.  It was almost like losing my friend was my test run into what was ahead.  Sneaky one God...
BUT...I have to say, the people that have presented themselves in my life after these events, have taught me just as much. People I haven't even known very long...have made so much difference in my thoughts and beliefs. 
When I woke up this morning, this was the message in my in-box:

"How can you be sure you're making the right decision? Some times it may seem as if God plays hide and seek when we're trying to know His will, but that 's not the way He operates. He wants to give us clear direction. We have two main obstacles that hinder our discernment: sin in our life and our own strong desires about the situation. To receive the Lord's guidance, we must repent of all known sin and make our choices secondary to His.
Sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to stand still when everything within you is shouting, "Hurry! Time is running out!" But if you rush ahead of God, you may miss His will.The Bible clearly instructs us to keep coming to the Lord with our concerns. Continue to pray as the Word of God has an answer for every need. So often when we 're faced with a critical choice, all we want from the Lord is a quick answer. But He delights to meet with us in order to deepen our relationship with Him. In our own strength, we are totally ineffective. Our past failures never prevent God's willingness or ability to use us. Submitting to God's authority, we can experience His victory in whatever He calls us to do.I hope I've been of some help. Many hugs to you tonight. I am praying for you."


This from a lady who has been a perfect example in my life, yet one who I've only known a short time...she is wise, she is thoughtful and she is PATIENT, I envy that!
See...People are placed in our lives for a reason, we are given what we NEED.  I needed to hear these words this morning, I needed to be reassured of life, of my thoughts and of GOD.  So many times over the last several months I have clearly seen that image of Jesus and the kitten...and I have thought at the time, WHY does this keep popping in my head????  Why do I see it so vividly???  Anyone who heard me say this out loud would surely think I was nuts!!  But there it was, clearly written this morning.  I am being taught a lesson...and I believe that I am supposed to teach it to others.  Was I in church this morning? NOPE...will I be there next week? Chances are slim.  Do I believe that you have to be there to say that you believe? Not at all.  
I knew I believed a long time ago.  I proved I believed when I was baptized.  I have not lived the life that reflects that and I have condemned the life for punishing me for it...but it's  lesson.  I know myself well enough to know that this lesson will in no way lead me to preach to others about religion and God...but it will allow me the strength to tell them to be patient, to believe and to have faith that you will get what you NEED from this life, if you are willing to pay attention and  believe.  Even slow learners finally "get it"...