Nothingness...

I think that after nearly 37 years of life there aren't many feelings left for me to experience.  I've had all the normal ones...happiness, joy, LOVE, frustration, anger, HATE, sadness, sorrow and PAIN. But the feeling that tops them all is NOTHING.
Any smart person can tell you that when you ask a woman "What's wrong?" and she replies "Nothing!", it means SOMETHING, and usually something BIG! But that isn't what I'm talking about...I'm talking about the NOTHING that you feel after you have run through every other emotion there is.  You have already been mad, you have already felt the hurt, you have experienced the rage, you have cried the tears...you have screamed, kicked your feet, pounded your fist and choked and gagged until you threw up, and then....there is NOTHING.
NOTHING is worse than "Something" any day of the week.  "Something" is something!  There is a peace with "something"...at least you know what you feel!!! Nothingness is the worst.
I've spent my unfair share of time in NOTHING...I believe it takes a major life change to get to this point.

There were many factors that contributed to my marriage falling into the "troubled" category...many of them everyday stresses that we all experience.  Kids, family, money, debt, careers...life in general.  And then in true "Jen Smith style", we had our fancy ones too!  Dishonesty, deceit,  adultery!  (Oh yes...I wrote that! )

How do we deal with all of this? How do we process it? What are we supposed to feel...and when are we supposed to feel it??   STRESS!!! Stress over the situation itself and over the emotions that follow the situation.  Stress over HOW to react, or over the fact that we didn't react, or how others reacted.  Which emotion comes first? AAAHHHHHHHH....and then, here it is...a game plan of sorts, to help us through.  Her name is SARA...
Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance

Think back to a life event that really took it out of you.  After the breath was returned to your lungs and you had the capability of processing the situation, you were GOT! You were blindsided and you are questioning what in the hell just happened? Is that even possible?!? WHY!?!? Who in the world would do that!?!?  You were in SHOCK!! This crap doesn't happen to ME! This is like a horror movie!

Then you were mad, your eyes nearly bugged out of your head, you screamed, you threw things!! When you got behind the wheel to go for a drive to cool off you were like Mario Andretti! (or that female race car driver...that would make more sense, CLEARLY not a NASCAR fan!)  Looking for an open road to just gun it! Even thinking for a minute that while your intention was not to wreck and die, you weren't sure that you would actually AVOID an oncoming motorist if the were in your lane. You are pissed!! You are enraged! You are filled with ANGER!! And anger lasts a while...a long while! Anger isn't an easy emotion to process...anger takes time! When you are in anger you over think everything...you plan your attack!!  You are applying Newtons law to your life: To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  What can I do that is just as bad as what was done to me???  How can I right this wrong? How can I inflict pain!?!??  Oh anger, thou art a heartless bitch!

Eventually the anger dies and what it is replaced with is bitterness.  You are bitter about the way you were treated, bitter at the situation, about the feelings that you were forced to feel.  That last one was always the kicker for me!! How dare you force me to FEEL all of that!! Yes...I have a wall up, A HIGH WALL!! I completely resent that!!

And then...you calm.  Calm does not come from others comforting you, it does not come in pill form, liquid form, or at the expense of a therapist (which I highly recommend!)...it literally falls upon you.  You wake up one day...and you are calm.  Does it mean that you forgive everything? No.  Does it mean that you are back to normal? NO.  But...there is a sense of peace about it.  You have realized that you can move on.  You have accepted the situation for what it is, and you are confident that you are going to live through it.  It's also somewhat scary...because what seemed so important to you and consumed so much of you, is now gone...and now what???  Life...

So where in this game plan is NOTHING?  I put it in the middle of Anger and Resentment...you may place it somewhere else.  And I held on to NOTHING for a really long time.  The problem with NOTHING is this...it sucks the life out of you!! It builds walls that cannot be torn down!! It stops conversations, it stops tears, it stops interaction with everyone.  Honestly I think it resembles depression.  Your give-a-shit (sorry...) gauge is broken!!  Everything suffers...everyone suffers!

When I was at NOTHING I woke up, went to work, came home, went to my room...lather, rinse, repeat!  I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to cry about it, I didn't want to live (not a suicidal reference...).  It is numbing.  It is draining.  It SUCKS!  I honestly think that it changes you.  There is a part of me that will never recover from my time spent on NOTHING...a part of my soul seemed to die. A little bit of the glitter was lost...forever.

For me this blog is therapeutic. It helps me put things together, to make sense of my thoughts. Does it mean that I will skip NOTHING the next time my life goes bananas? Probably not.  Remember, I'm a slow learner.  Will I go back and talk everything out that I should have when I was going through hell? No...it's too far gone to rehash.  But...I think I will recognize it sooner if it presents itself to me again...and I think the awareness is key.

I sincerely hope that your life never takes you through the path of NOTHING...I give you permission to skip this step completely.  Never lose your glitter :-)