Do you think it is possible to run out of tears? To forget how to hug? To stop feeling pain? I seem to be at that point. I know that I have emotions...but they seem to be buried so far beneath this hardened exterior that they can not get out.
Every new challenge is met with they thought of "GREAT, one more thing"...and I smile, and I wave, and I go on.
The life that I used to live so freely is gone...it's never coming back. The daily routine I had, no matter how insane...vanished. One more log on the fire, one more notch in the belt, one more...one more.
I am not the person I was...inside or out. I lost control. I lost control of my body when I stopped my (Yes, CrAzY) workout routine, I'm on the downhill slide to 40 and I've fought the physical ramifications of it for a while...hence the Botox and Implants!! No regrets there!!
I lost control of my emotions when I lost my Grandmother...and 8 more family members in about 2 years (my daughters as toddlers were playing "Barbie goes to funeral", NO JOKE!)
I lost control of my career when I lost my best friend, not that it was her fault that I couldn't deal with not having her around...but I certainly lost FOCUS on what I was supposed to be doing in my life.
I lost control of my ENTIRE EXISTENCE when my husband drove that lawnmower up the steep ramp and became paralyzed and we spent 5 weeks in hospitals and rehab, kids living like gypsies, house torn up.
And now...I'm just out of control. Is it inappropriate to call an intervention on yourself?
I've dealt with what I can and now I am tired. I am DRAINED. I've cried all of the tears and even my teenager is telling me "Mom, you are supposed to HUG with 2 hands!" What happened to ME?!?!?
I get message upon message from friends and even acquaintances telling me to "Keep my chin up", "Don't lose your SPARKLE!" "Thank You, for sharing your journey with us". Sometimes I read these and I think...These people must think my life is a Soap Opera!! I think I will call it "As Your Stomach Churns"...due to the GUT WRENCHING pain that seems to consume most of it.
I...am at a standstill.
I am petrified! I am frozen! I am LOST!
What if I do not emerge on the other side of this the same person that I was before? What if I am worse? What if the only person responsible for me is ME? What if I don't learn to trust again? Or LOVE again? What if my hugs are always empty and my smiles are fake? Even GLITTER fades...
This is my daily struggle. No control.
2 weeks ago I moved out, upon request...I am now the tenant of 600 sq. ft. of wonderfulness. 1 bedroom, 1 bath...thin walls. I have a neighbor who has a dog the size of a Shetland pony and who also enjoys dressing as Spiderman. I also share a common wall with gentleman who can wake me from my sleep with his morning bathroom routine. I have yet to watch a single TV episode or DVD because I cannot for the life of me figure out how to run the damn thing. But...it is quiet. And when I am not with the kids, I have time to THINK. Some evenings I can think for hours and not come up with a single productive thing...sometimes I figure out lots. I feel like I am decompressing. I have surrounded myself with pretty things, pictures of my children and of my friends, nothing cluttered or stressful. No wheelchairs or standing frames or medical equipment...I know that sounds harsh, but that is my reality.
When I wake up in the mornings here I see 2 things immediately...1. A sign that hangs above a door in my room that says "YIELD...Small Changes, BIG results" and 2. a mirror...the last thing that I see every night and the first thing I see every morning is MYSELF.
I feel like these blogs should also come with a disclaimer, like the ones that you see on reality TV crime shows..."The stories you are about to hear are taken from real life events, some details are removed to protect those involved"...as always, there is more to it than the bullet points that I lay out for you. Much more!!
There is more in the way of outside influence in my life, more in the aspect of the sense of responsibility that I feel is expected from me both personally and professionally, more in the emotional aspect...due to the separation, the roller coaster of the accident and the aftermath of that also, the feeling of the loss of love. There is so much more!!!
I see myself keeping those who love and care for me at bay. Just far enough that if they decide this Soap Opera isn't one they want to guest star on, they can sneak away...and I won't get hurt. I have however latched on to one...and most likely the wrong one. One that takes the focus off of me and my pain and allows me the outlet to say everything that I need to hear. One that draws out the focus that I have left, one that allows me to laugh at the memories of better times and one that can call me on my crap when I get down. And now, due to their own struggles...it's too much for them to handle so their character is being removed from the show. Just what I need. One more thing...
I should feel great pain in this realization...but sadly, I am not surprised. I've already fought this battle and cried these tears. I've come to the conclusion that I was supposed to learn a lesson from this person, maybe not the time I needed it...the saying that goes "Everyone is either a blessing or a lesson"...I will take comfort in the belief that I was a blessing to them when they needed it, and I am disheartened by the fact that they were my lesson.
I keep saying I just can't handle ONE MORE THING...but the things just keep coming. I am learning to not take it personally. But I would welcome a reprieve!
Here is the kicker...when we stop getting smacked with obstacles, we have run out of life.
Everything. EVERY-thing. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G...happens for a reason!
I have the people in my life that I have because they have been placed here for me. I believe that I had the children that I have, at the times I had them (be it way too young!), for a reason. I have been handed the cards, and now I must play. Playing, might be starting a whole new game...or it might be picking up where I left off before...only time will tell.
I started this blog to help myself...I am continuing this blog due to the requests I have received to keep going with it. I was criticized by some for telling these stories because they didn't paint a very good picture ...but this is LIFE.
This journey has hit a traffic jam...detours are not an option...the WILL to get through it, is all that I have packed...So, I will wait.
As a beautiful friend told me this morning...You can be pitiful or POWERFUL, it is your choice.
I choose Powerful.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Nothingness...
I think that after nearly 37 years of life there aren't many feelings left for me to experience. I've had all the normal ones...happiness, joy, LOVE, frustration, anger, HATE, sadness, sorrow and PAIN. But the feeling that tops them all is NOTHING.
Any smart person can tell you that when you ask a woman "What's wrong?" and she replies "Nothing!", it means SOMETHING, and usually something BIG! But that isn't what I'm talking about...I'm talking about the NOTHING that you feel after you have run through every other emotion there is. You have already been mad, you have already felt the hurt, you have experienced the rage, you have cried the tears...you have screamed, kicked your feet, pounded your fist and choked and gagged until you threw up, and then....there is NOTHING.
NOTHING is worse than "Something" any day of the week. "Something" is something! There is a peace with "something"...at least you know what you feel!!! Nothingness is the worst.
I've spent my unfair share of time in NOTHING...I believe it takes a major life change to get to this point.
There were many factors that contributed to my marriage falling into the "troubled" category...many of them everyday stresses that we all experience. Kids, family, money, debt, careers...life in general. And then in true "Jen Smith style", we had our fancy ones too! Dishonesty, deceit, adultery! (Oh yes...I wrote that! )
How do we deal with all of this? How do we process it? What are we supposed to feel...and when are we supposed to feel it?? STRESS!!! Stress over the situation itself and over the emotions that follow the situation. Stress over HOW to react, or over the fact that we didn't react, or how others reacted. Which emotion comes first? AAAHHHHHHHH....and then, here it is...a game plan of sorts, to help us through. Her name is SARA...
Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance
Think back to a life event that really took it out of you. After the breath was returned to your lungs and you had the capability of processing the situation, you were GOT! You were blindsided and you are questioning what in the hell just happened? Is that even possible?!? WHY!?!? Who in the world would do that!?!? You were in SHOCK!! This crap doesn't happen to ME! This is like a horror movie!
Then you were mad, your eyes nearly bugged out of your head, you screamed, you threw things!! When you got behind the wheel to go for a drive to cool off you were like Mario Andretti! (or that female race car driver...that would make more sense, CLEARLY not a NASCAR fan!) Looking for an open road to just gun it! Even thinking for a minute that while your intention was not to wreck and die, you weren't sure that you would actually AVOID an oncoming motorist if the were in your lane. You are pissed!! You are enraged! You are filled with ANGER!! And anger lasts a while...a long while! Anger isn't an easy emotion to process...anger takes time! When you are in anger you over think everything...you plan your attack!! You are applying Newtons law to your life: To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. What can I do that is just as bad as what was done to me??? How can I right this wrong? How can I inflict pain!?!?? Oh anger, thou art a heartless bitch!
Eventually the anger dies and what it is replaced with is bitterness. You are bitter about the way you were treated, bitter at the situation, about the feelings that you were forced to feel. That last one was always the kicker for me!! How dare you force me to FEEL all of that!! Yes...I have a wall up, A HIGH WALL!! I completely resent that!!
And then...you calm. Calm does not come from others comforting you, it does not come in pill form, liquid form, or at the expense of a therapist (which I highly recommend!)...it literally falls upon you. You wake up one day...and you are calm. Does it mean that you forgive everything? No. Does it mean that you are back to normal? NO. But...there is a sense of peace about it. You have realized that you can move on. You have accepted the situation for what it is, and you are confident that you are going to live through it. It's also somewhat scary...because what seemed so important to you and consumed so much of you, is now gone...and now what??? Life...
So where in this game plan is NOTHING? I put it in the middle of Anger and Resentment...you may place it somewhere else. And I held on to NOTHING for a really long time. The problem with NOTHING is this...it sucks the life out of you!! It builds walls that cannot be torn down!! It stops conversations, it stops tears, it stops interaction with everyone. Honestly I think it resembles depression. Your give-a-shit (sorry...) gauge is broken!! Everything suffers...everyone suffers!
When I was at NOTHING I woke up, went to work, came home, went to my room...lather, rinse, repeat! I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to cry about it, I didn't want to live (not a suicidal reference...). It is numbing. It is draining. It SUCKS! I honestly think that it changes you. There is a part of me that will never recover from my time spent on NOTHING...a part of my soul seemed to die. A little bit of the glitter was lost...forever.
For me this blog is therapeutic. It helps me put things together, to make sense of my thoughts. Does it mean that I will skip NOTHING the next time my life goes bananas? Probably not. Remember, I'm a slow learner. Will I go back and talk everything out that I should have when I was going through hell? No...it's too far gone to rehash. But...I think I will recognize it sooner if it presents itself to me again...and I think the awareness is key.
I sincerely hope that your life never takes you through the path of NOTHING...I give you permission to skip this step completely. Never lose your glitter :-)
Any smart person can tell you that when you ask a woman "What's wrong?" and she replies "Nothing!", it means SOMETHING, and usually something BIG! But that isn't what I'm talking about...I'm talking about the NOTHING that you feel after you have run through every other emotion there is. You have already been mad, you have already felt the hurt, you have experienced the rage, you have cried the tears...you have screamed, kicked your feet, pounded your fist and choked and gagged until you threw up, and then....there is NOTHING.
NOTHING is worse than "Something" any day of the week. "Something" is something! There is a peace with "something"...at least you know what you feel!!! Nothingness is the worst.
I've spent my unfair share of time in NOTHING...I believe it takes a major life change to get to this point.
There were many factors that contributed to my marriage falling into the "troubled" category...many of them everyday stresses that we all experience. Kids, family, money, debt, careers...life in general. And then in true "Jen Smith style", we had our fancy ones too! Dishonesty, deceit, adultery! (Oh yes...I wrote that! )
How do we deal with all of this? How do we process it? What are we supposed to feel...and when are we supposed to feel it?? STRESS!!! Stress over the situation itself and over the emotions that follow the situation. Stress over HOW to react, or over the fact that we didn't react, or how others reacted. Which emotion comes first? AAAHHHHHHHH....and then, here it is...a game plan of sorts, to help us through. Her name is SARA...
Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance
Think back to a life event that really took it out of you. After the breath was returned to your lungs and you had the capability of processing the situation, you were GOT! You were blindsided and you are questioning what in the hell just happened? Is that even possible?!? WHY!?!? Who in the world would do that!?!? You were in SHOCK!! This crap doesn't happen to ME! This is like a horror movie!
Then you were mad, your eyes nearly bugged out of your head, you screamed, you threw things!! When you got behind the wheel to go for a drive to cool off you were like Mario Andretti! (or that female race car driver...that would make more sense, CLEARLY not a NASCAR fan!) Looking for an open road to just gun it! Even thinking for a minute that while your intention was not to wreck and die, you weren't sure that you would actually AVOID an oncoming motorist if the were in your lane. You are pissed!! You are enraged! You are filled with ANGER!! And anger lasts a while...a long while! Anger isn't an easy emotion to process...anger takes time! When you are in anger you over think everything...you plan your attack!! You are applying Newtons law to your life: To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. What can I do that is just as bad as what was done to me??? How can I right this wrong? How can I inflict pain!?!?? Oh anger, thou art a heartless bitch!
Eventually the anger dies and what it is replaced with is bitterness. You are bitter about the way you were treated, bitter at the situation, about the feelings that you were forced to feel. That last one was always the kicker for me!! How dare you force me to FEEL all of that!! Yes...I have a wall up, A HIGH WALL!! I completely resent that!!
And then...you calm. Calm does not come from others comforting you, it does not come in pill form, liquid form, or at the expense of a therapist (which I highly recommend!)...it literally falls upon you. You wake up one day...and you are calm. Does it mean that you forgive everything? No. Does it mean that you are back to normal? NO. But...there is a sense of peace about it. You have realized that you can move on. You have accepted the situation for what it is, and you are confident that you are going to live through it. It's also somewhat scary...because what seemed so important to you and consumed so much of you, is now gone...and now what??? Life...
So where in this game plan is NOTHING? I put it in the middle of Anger and Resentment...you may place it somewhere else. And I held on to NOTHING for a really long time. The problem with NOTHING is this...it sucks the life out of you!! It builds walls that cannot be torn down!! It stops conversations, it stops tears, it stops interaction with everyone. Honestly I think it resembles depression. Your give-a-shit (sorry...) gauge is broken!! Everything suffers...everyone suffers!
When I was at NOTHING I woke up, went to work, came home, went to my room...lather, rinse, repeat! I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to cry about it, I didn't want to live (not a suicidal reference...). It is numbing. It is draining. It SUCKS! I honestly think that it changes you. There is a part of me that will never recover from my time spent on NOTHING...a part of my soul seemed to die. A little bit of the glitter was lost...forever.
For me this blog is therapeutic. It helps me put things together, to make sense of my thoughts. Does it mean that I will skip NOTHING the next time my life goes bananas? Probably not. Remember, I'm a slow learner. Will I go back and talk everything out that I should have when I was going through hell? No...it's too far gone to rehash. But...I think I will recognize it sooner if it presents itself to me again...and I think the awareness is key.
I sincerely hope that your life never takes you through the path of NOTHING...I give you permission to skip this step completely. Never lose your glitter :-)
Sunday, March 3, 2013
I think I finally "get it"...
One of my earliest memories as a child of was about Jesus...
**For anyone who KNOWS me well...you are already confused about this particular blog post just from the first sentence, because Jesus isn't something that you've ever heard me talk about.**
I couldn't have been more than a preschooler...One of our many cats had kittens and one had died. I was standing at the back door of our garage at the house in Wyandotte and as plain as day, 30 plus years later I can still see this image...Jesus, dressed in the robe, bearded face, just like the picture that hung above the alter at the First Baptist Church in Wyandotte, standing in our back yard...holding the kitten... smiling at me, and elevating up to heaven.
I have never claimed to be a "religious" person. I would say that I am more "spiritual" than anything, thinking of this I decided to look up the actual definition of the word religion: The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.
I grew up in church. We were there on Sundays, my Mom was the youth group leader, I went to church camp and I was baptized in elementary school, but to say that I could tell you the story of the bible...I cannot.
As an adult and a parent, I have never preached to my family or made church a regular event...but my children have understood the concept and beliefs of the church and all have participated in youth groups, Habitat events and attended ...and the oldest 3 have been baptized, due to their own faith, not one influenced by me.
If you ask me if I believe in God, I would have no hesitation in telling you "YES, I do"...mostly because of that image in my backyard. Because I believe, to this day, that it was proved to me.
The confusing part to me is that I also believe in fate, karma, soul mates and the fact that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, none of which I correlate with religion.
Why would a SUPERHUMAN CONTROLLING POWER allow so much pain? This has always alluded me.
My life has been a bit of a roller coaster over the last year and a half, and by some of your standards probably longer than that. I do not believe that my struggles are any worse than yours, we all have our own stories, we all have our own pain. But there are times in our lives that we scream out and question "WHY!?!?" Why is this happening?? What did I do??? How were my sins any worse than anyone else's? Why am I being punished??
A year ago this past October I lost one of my best friends. She didn't die, but she is forever gone from my life. I struggled for many months with this loss and just when I was about to turn a corner, Brian had his accident.
Life lesson: Never utter the phrase "nothing could be worse!"...there is ALWAYS something worse!
So many people have told me to turn it all over to God, he won't fail me...and I have to say, I have wanted to reply, "REALLY?!?!"
I have learned to pray...A LOT! When I am in the car the radio is off, so I can process, and think...and PRAY. When I am home alone... no TV, no music, no noise...so I can do the same. I want to make the right decisions for myself, for my family, for my children...and I feel like the decisions that make the most sense to me are very selfish at times, and I struggle with that. When I read others Facebook status, or blogs or messages and they talk about "giving it all to God", I always think...I wish I was strong enough to do that!! I wish that I had that much faith that SOMEONE...that ANYONE had that much power in my life.
In my world, realization takes time...I am a slow learner. But I have put a few things together recently that have made all the difference. I think that GOD gives us what we NEED...and apparently he knows better than I do.
People are placed in our lives for a reason, to bless us or teach us...and either is fine.
I lost my friend and I was miserable...I spent every day with this person. I confided in her, I trusted her and I adored her...and I was literally LOST with out her. My life, routine and existence changed when she was gone. I could not imagine why ANYONE or ANYTHING would allow this to happen. It took me many months to accept all of this, and I can now finally look back on all of those memories of her and be thankful for what I learned and gained from that friendship. I owe that to a handful of people who put up with my drama and tears...and to God. The accident that happened in July...took the change in life, routine and existence to a whole new level. It was almost like losing my friend was my test run into what was ahead. Sneaky one God...
BUT...I have to say, the people that have presented themselves in my life after these events, have taught me just as much. People I haven't even known very long...have made so much difference in my thoughts and beliefs.
When I woke up this morning, this was the message in my in-box:
"How can you be sure you're making the right decision? Some times it may seem as if God plays hide and seek when we're trying to know His will, but that 's not the way He operates. He wants to give us clear direction. We have two main obstacles that hinder our discernment: sin in our life and our own strong desires about the situation. To receive the Lord's guidance, we must repent of all known sin and make our choices secondary to His.
Sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to stand still when everything within you is shouting, "Hurry! Time is running out!" But if you rush ahead of God, you may miss His will.The Bible clearly instructs us to keep coming to the Lord with our concerns. Continue to pray as the Word of God has an answer for every need. So often when we 're faced with a critical choice, all we want from the Lord is a quick answer. But He delights to meet with us in order to deepen our relationship with Him. In our own strength, we are totally ineffective. Our past failures never prevent God's willingness or ability to use us. Submitting to God's authority, we can experience His victory in whatever He calls us to do.I hope I've been of some help. Many hugs to you tonight. I am praying for you."
This from a lady who has been a perfect example in my life, yet one who I've only known a short time...she is wise, she is thoughtful and she is PATIENT, I envy that!
See...People are placed in our lives for a reason, we are given what we NEED. I needed to hear these words this morning, I needed to be reassured of life, of my thoughts and of GOD. So many times over the last several months I have clearly seen that image of Jesus and the kitten...and I have thought at the time, WHY does this keep popping in my head???? Why do I see it so vividly??? Anyone who heard me say this out loud would surely think I was nuts!! But there it was, clearly written this morning. I am being taught a lesson...and I believe that I am supposed to teach it to others. Was I in church this morning? NOPE...will I be there next week? Chances are slim. Do I believe that you have to be there to say that you believe? Not at all.
I knew I believed a long time ago. I proved I believed when I was baptized. I have not lived the life that reflects that and I have condemned the life for punishing me for it...but it's lesson. I know myself well enough to know that this lesson will in no way lead me to preach to others about religion and God...but it will allow me the strength to tell them to be patient, to believe and to have faith that you will get what you NEED from this life, if you are willing to pay attention and believe. Even slow learners finally "get it"...
**For anyone who KNOWS me well...you are already confused about this particular blog post just from the first sentence, because Jesus isn't something that you've ever heard me talk about.**
I couldn't have been more than a preschooler...One of our many cats had kittens and one had died. I was standing at the back door of our garage at the house in Wyandotte and as plain as day, 30 plus years later I can still see this image...Jesus, dressed in the robe, bearded face, just like the picture that hung above the alter at the First Baptist Church in Wyandotte, standing in our back yard...holding the kitten... smiling at me, and elevating up to heaven.
I have never claimed to be a "religious" person. I would say that I am more "spiritual" than anything, thinking of this I decided to look up the actual definition of the word religion: The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.
I grew up in church. We were there on Sundays, my Mom was the youth group leader, I went to church camp and I was baptized in elementary school, but to say that I could tell you the story of the bible...I cannot.
As an adult and a parent, I have never preached to my family or made church a regular event...but my children have understood the concept and beliefs of the church and all have participated in youth groups, Habitat events and attended ...and the oldest 3 have been baptized, due to their own faith, not one influenced by me.
If you ask me if I believe in God, I would have no hesitation in telling you "YES, I do"...mostly because of that image in my backyard. Because I believe, to this day, that it was proved to me.
The confusing part to me is that I also believe in fate, karma, soul mates and the fact that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, none of which I correlate with religion.
Why would a SUPERHUMAN CONTROLLING POWER allow so much pain? This has always alluded me.
My life has been a bit of a roller coaster over the last year and a half, and by some of your standards probably longer than that. I do not believe that my struggles are any worse than yours, we all have our own stories, we all have our own pain. But there are times in our lives that we scream out and question "WHY!?!?" Why is this happening?? What did I do??? How were my sins any worse than anyone else's? Why am I being punished??
A year ago this past October I lost one of my best friends. She didn't die, but she is forever gone from my life. I struggled for many months with this loss and just when I was about to turn a corner, Brian had his accident.
Life lesson: Never utter the phrase "nothing could be worse!"...there is ALWAYS something worse!
So many people have told me to turn it all over to God, he won't fail me...and I have to say, I have wanted to reply, "REALLY?!?!"
I have learned to pray...A LOT! When I am in the car the radio is off, so I can process, and think...and PRAY. When I am home alone... no TV, no music, no noise...so I can do the same. I want to make the right decisions for myself, for my family, for my children...and I feel like the decisions that make the most sense to me are very selfish at times, and I struggle with that. When I read others Facebook status, or blogs or messages and they talk about "giving it all to God", I always think...I wish I was strong enough to do that!! I wish that I had that much faith that SOMEONE...that ANYONE had that much power in my life.
In my world, realization takes time...I am a slow learner. But I have put a few things together recently that have made all the difference. I think that GOD gives us what we NEED...and apparently he knows better than I do.
People are placed in our lives for a reason, to bless us or teach us...and either is fine.
I lost my friend and I was miserable...I spent every day with this person. I confided in her, I trusted her and I adored her...and I was literally LOST with out her. My life, routine and existence changed when she was gone. I could not imagine why ANYONE or ANYTHING would allow this to happen. It took me many months to accept all of this, and I can now finally look back on all of those memories of her and be thankful for what I learned and gained from that friendship. I owe that to a handful of people who put up with my drama and tears...and to God. The accident that happened in July...took the change in life, routine and existence to a whole new level. It was almost like losing my friend was my test run into what was ahead. Sneaky one God...
BUT...I have to say, the people that have presented themselves in my life after these events, have taught me just as much. People I haven't even known very long...have made so much difference in my thoughts and beliefs.
When I woke up this morning, this was the message in my in-box:
"How can you be sure you're making the right decision? Some times it may seem as if God plays hide and seek when we're trying to know His will, but that 's not the way He operates. He wants to give us clear direction. We have two main obstacles that hinder our discernment: sin in our life and our own strong desires about the situation. To receive the Lord's guidance, we must repent of all known sin and make our choices secondary to His.
Sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to stand still when everything within you is shouting, "Hurry! Time is running out!" But if you rush ahead of God, you may miss His will.The Bible clearly instructs us to keep coming to the Lord with our concerns. Continue to pray as the Word of God has an answer for every need. So often when we 're faced with a critical choice, all we want from the Lord is a quick answer. But He delights to meet with us in order to deepen our relationship with Him. In our own strength, we are totally ineffective. Our past failures never prevent God's willingness or ability to use us. Submitting to God's authority, we can experience His victory in whatever He calls us to do.I hope I've been of some help. Many hugs to you tonight. I am praying for you."
This from a lady who has been a perfect example in my life, yet one who I've only known a short time...she is wise, she is thoughtful and she is PATIENT, I envy that!
See...People are placed in our lives for a reason, we are given what we NEED. I needed to hear these words this morning, I needed to be reassured of life, of my thoughts and of GOD. So many times over the last several months I have clearly seen that image of Jesus and the kitten...and I have thought at the time, WHY does this keep popping in my head???? Why do I see it so vividly??? Anyone who heard me say this out loud would surely think I was nuts!! But there it was, clearly written this morning. I am being taught a lesson...and I believe that I am supposed to teach it to others. Was I in church this morning? NOPE...will I be there next week? Chances are slim. Do I believe that you have to be there to say that you believe? Not at all.
I knew I believed a long time ago. I proved I believed when I was baptized. I have not lived the life that reflects that and I have condemned the life for punishing me for it...but it's lesson. I know myself well enough to know that this lesson will in no way lead me to preach to others about religion and God...but it will allow me the strength to tell them to be patient, to believe and to have faith that you will get what you NEED from this life, if you are willing to pay attention and believe. Even slow learners finally "get it"...
Friday, March 1, 2013
See How Easy That Is!?!
My parents divorced at the beginning of my 7th grade year and that winter my Mom started seeing Larry. It had always been pretty quiet at our house, never too much talk between my sister and I, bed time was BED TIME...not chatter time, and I slept with the door open and no noise, as it should be!
Larry had 2 kids of his own that lived with their mother and he had them on the weekends. One weekend his daughter Katie stayed the night with me, as we had spent some time with them over the past few months. Katie was a talker...and that is an understatement!! I remember sitting on my bed and listening to her chatter on about everything under the sun, but mostly BOYS! LOL! She didn't want to sleep at all, I thought she would never be quiet. But I survived the slumber(less) party and on her way she went the next day. Mom and Larry didn't waste much time falling in love and getting married, as a matter of fact they tied the knot in June, just before my 8th grade year. Being as though we lived in Wyandotte and he lived in Quapaw, someone was making a move. It was us. I didn't want to leave the home that I knew and the friends that I had since kindergarten, I begged to stay...to no avail, we were packing up and heading to the Big Q-town!
They weren't married long before they got a call from Larry's ex-wife one morning saying that his kids would be coming to live with us...THAT DAY! So we went from one house to another and from 2 kids to 4, pretty quickly!
When you are with the "other children" every now and then you don't get the full concept of who they are. When you SUDDENLY have to share a room with them...you get to know TOO MUCH, and Katie and I had to share a room.
Remember what I said, no chatter...door open...no noise! Katie slept with the door closed, fan on high,
and the radio on...and she talked, even in her sleep! Thankfully that roommate situation didn't last long and we added more bedrooms to the house. The new addition was added above the garage, 2 bedrooms and a bath...so now we only shared the 2nd floor, not the same bed. Still yet, every night she would come to my room, lay in MY bed and begin her long drawn out conversation (with herself!) about her day, her life and BOYS! Drove me NUTS! I learned to tune her out and just fall asleep because even flat out telling her to shut up and get out of MY room didn't work. She was 2 years older than I was, so I was in for at least 3 years of this.
Adjusting to a new family was not easy, I disliked the fact that I was FORCED to move, I was a teenager...therefore I knew everything and was always right, my step dad was NOT my real dad and his children I affectionately referred to as "My mother's second husband's adopted children"...good times to say the least. Incorporating two very different families into one certainly has its challenges.
If you recall from an earlier blog about my grandmother, we were treated to fancy things now and again. One particular event was a wedding reception in Tulsa at the top of the Summit Club downtown. Fancy place, fancy food, fancy people...just my cup of tea! The "whole family" went to this event and I was literally appalled. They didn't know how to act at such a place, they didn't know how to sit and how to eat. There was a picture with my stepbrother with his arm around a statue in the foyer and I cringed that he was allowed to have FUN, we were supposed to behave like proper adults!
Of course, I got mad and did not enjoy the reception, I had let them ruin it for me.
One of my stepdad favorite phrases is "See how easy that is!?!"...after any sort of comment, any sort of conflict, the premise was YOU ARE MAKING THIS TOO DIFFICULT..."See how easy this is!?!"
When I threw a fit about his kids acting like kids..."GET OVER IT...SEE HOW EASY THAT IS!?!"
It wasn't easy, not at all. While we didn't fight all of the time, we certainly didn't enjoy each others company. Dinner time, see who could shovel in their food the quickest and remove themselves from the table. Family time, Lord help us...please don't make us do that and PLEASE stay away from MY MIMI, I was not sharing!
The years wear on and you change and adapt...and IGNORE and you don't realize until years later that you learned.
We grew up with out killing each other. We learned to live together. But let me tell you...Katie NEVER stopped talking!
As we graduated and moved out and moved on with our lives Katie and I would still talk, and when she called I was on the phone for a while. We both had kids, and lives and things in common at this point so the conversation was a two way street. Now we were friends. SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS!?!
Fast forward a few years, a few more kids and a few lessons learned to 2003. She was in a troubled relationship and there was some abuse, we talked about this and she had made the decision to leave her husband and move back to Arkansas where she had lived previously. Three little boys in tow, she was staying with my parents until after the holidays and then she would be off. Her 30th birthday was on December 15 and I kept her kids while she went out to celebrate and then she came back to stay the night with me...and she TALKED, 90 to nothing all night! Just like the good ole' days!
1 week later I got a call that said that she was in the hospital...unconscious, non-responsive, ventilator. My first reaction was "now what"...I've left out a lot of poor decisions, bad relationships and drama that followed her around...Upon arrival at the ER I was told the story. Her husband had called her back to their apartment to pick up Christmas presents that he had bought for the boys, not being comfortable about going alone she took a friend/coworker with her. The friend stayed in the car and Katie said "if I'm not out in 10 minutes, call the police." Into the apartment she went and shortly there after her husband called to the friend that Katie needed help carrying the gifts out, she proceeded in to find Katie unconscious, he then proceeded to violate the friend in ways that I won't get in to. Katie awoke to grab a boot and hit him and give the friend a chance to run free and go for help. By the time that help arrived however, Katie was nearly gone, he had strangled her with an extension cord. The paramedics kept her alive and got her to the ER, but she was not good. This was December 22, 2003. With no improvement made and no brain activity, we as a FAMILY decided to turn off life support on December 24, 2003...she lived about 10 minutes. She left behind 3 little boys, the youngest was only about 18 months old.
What I wouldn't give to have her talk my leg off!! I sometimes laugh late at night as I fall asleep with the TV on because I need the noise to distract me. When my children act like "children"...it's not that big of a deal. SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS!?! I wish that I had learned these lessons so much earlier in life. I wish that I wasn't so resistant to individuality when I was younger. I wish I had learned to just have FUN, I think that I probably missed out on things. I could have a learned a lot from her if I have just gotten over my view of how things were supposed to go.
Be tolerant of each other...be engaged...be open to change. Simple lessons are often the hardest to recognize, SEE HOW EASY THAT IS!?!
Larry had 2 kids of his own that lived with their mother and he had them on the weekends. One weekend his daughter Katie stayed the night with me, as we had spent some time with them over the past few months. Katie was a talker...and that is an understatement!! I remember sitting on my bed and listening to her chatter on about everything under the sun, but mostly BOYS! LOL! She didn't want to sleep at all, I thought she would never be quiet. But I survived the slumber(less) party and on her way she went the next day. Mom and Larry didn't waste much time falling in love and getting married, as a matter of fact they tied the knot in June, just before my 8th grade year. Being as though we lived in Wyandotte and he lived in Quapaw, someone was making a move. It was us. I didn't want to leave the home that I knew and the friends that I had since kindergarten, I begged to stay...to no avail, we were packing up and heading to the Big Q-town!
They weren't married long before they got a call from Larry's ex-wife one morning saying that his kids would be coming to live with us...THAT DAY! So we went from one house to another and from 2 kids to 4, pretty quickly!
When you are with the "other children" every now and then you don't get the full concept of who they are. When you SUDDENLY have to share a room with them...you get to know TOO MUCH, and Katie and I had to share a room.
Remember what I said, no chatter...door open...no noise! Katie slept with the door closed, fan on high,
and the radio on...and she talked, even in her sleep! Thankfully that roommate situation didn't last long and we added more bedrooms to the house. The new addition was added above the garage, 2 bedrooms and a bath...so now we only shared the 2nd floor, not the same bed. Still yet, every night she would come to my room, lay in MY bed and begin her long drawn out conversation (with herself!) about her day, her life and BOYS! Drove me NUTS! I learned to tune her out and just fall asleep because even flat out telling her to shut up and get out of MY room didn't work. She was 2 years older than I was, so I was in for at least 3 years of this.
Adjusting to a new family was not easy, I disliked the fact that I was FORCED to move, I was a teenager...therefore I knew everything and was always right, my step dad was NOT my real dad and his children I affectionately referred to as "My mother's second husband's adopted children"...good times to say the least. Incorporating two very different families into one certainly has its challenges.
If you recall from an earlier blog about my grandmother, we were treated to fancy things now and again. One particular event was a wedding reception in Tulsa at the top of the Summit Club downtown. Fancy place, fancy food, fancy people...just my cup of tea! The "whole family" went to this event and I was literally appalled. They didn't know how to act at such a place, they didn't know how to sit and how to eat. There was a picture with my stepbrother with his arm around a statue in the foyer and I cringed that he was allowed to have FUN, we were supposed to behave like proper adults!
Of course, I got mad and did not enjoy the reception, I had let them ruin it for me.
One of my stepdad favorite phrases is "See how easy that is!?!"...after any sort of comment, any sort of conflict, the premise was YOU ARE MAKING THIS TOO DIFFICULT..."See how easy this is!?!"
When I threw a fit about his kids acting like kids..."GET OVER IT...SEE HOW EASY THAT IS!?!"
It wasn't easy, not at all. While we didn't fight all of the time, we certainly didn't enjoy each others company. Dinner time, see who could shovel in their food the quickest and remove themselves from the table. Family time, Lord help us...please don't make us do that and PLEASE stay away from MY MIMI, I was not sharing!
The years wear on and you change and adapt...and IGNORE and you don't realize until years later that you learned.
We grew up with out killing each other. We learned to live together. But let me tell you...Katie NEVER stopped talking!
As we graduated and moved out and moved on with our lives Katie and I would still talk, and when she called I was on the phone for a while. We both had kids, and lives and things in common at this point so the conversation was a two way street. Now we were friends. SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS!?!
Fast forward a few years, a few more kids and a few lessons learned to 2003. She was in a troubled relationship and there was some abuse, we talked about this and she had made the decision to leave her husband and move back to Arkansas where she had lived previously. Three little boys in tow, she was staying with my parents until after the holidays and then she would be off. Her 30th birthday was on December 15 and I kept her kids while she went out to celebrate and then she came back to stay the night with me...and she TALKED, 90 to nothing all night! Just like the good ole' days!
1 week later I got a call that said that she was in the hospital...unconscious, non-responsive, ventilator. My first reaction was "now what"...I've left out a lot of poor decisions, bad relationships and drama that followed her around...Upon arrival at the ER I was told the story. Her husband had called her back to their apartment to pick up Christmas presents that he had bought for the boys, not being comfortable about going alone she took a friend/coworker with her. The friend stayed in the car and Katie said "if I'm not out in 10 minutes, call the police." Into the apartment she went and shortly there after her husband called to the friend that Katie needed help carrying the gifts out, she proceeded in to find Katie unconscious, he then proceeded to violate the friend in ways that I won't get in to. Katie awoke to grab a boot and hit him and give the friend a chance to run free and go for help. By the time that help arrived however, Katie was nearly gone, he had strangled her with an extension cord. The paramedics kept her alive and got her to the ER, but she was not good. This was December 22, 2003. With no improvement made and no brain activity, we as a FAMILY decided to turn off life support on December 24, 2003...she lived about 10 minutes. She left behind 3 little boys, the youngest was only about 18 months old.
What I wouldn't give to have her talk my leg off!! I sometimes laugh late at night as I fall asleep with the TV on because I need the noise to distract me. When my children act like "children"...it's not that big of a deal. SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS!?! I wish that I had learned these lessons so much earlier in life. I wish that I wasn't so resistant to individuality when I was younger. I wish I had learned to just have FUN, I think that I probably missed out on things. I could have a learned a lot from her if I have just gotten over my view of how things were supposed to go.
Be tolerant of each other...be engaged...be open to change. Simple lessons are often the hardest to recognize, SEE HOW EASY THAT IS!?!
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