The Saga Continues...

Ahhhh, Candy Crush Saga..thou art addictive!! This ridiculous game has consumed a household, deprived us of productivity and began more than one argument.  "Could you please fold the laundry?"... "Hold on, I have to clear this level!""I've been gone for 3 hours, what have you done?.."Played Candy Crush"...SERIOUSLY?!?!?  So instead of living in the dark as to the fascination  I downloaded it.  I had some time to kill in the hospital waiting room while Brian was in a procedure...let the game begin.  At first I was at a loss as to the addiction...line up 3 items, this is not rocket science...Pop all of the Jellies...again "no brainer".  Then they snuck in one with a time limit!! I didn't read the instructions on that before I made the assumption, "yet again that this was a piece of cake"...FAIL! Hmmm...Ok, that little crying candy girl had to be stopped so YES, I tried again...  finally beat that! Then came a level that I had to DO-OVER multiple times ... and after a while you know what happens if you don't complete it?? The put you in time out!! I may have actually pouted!
I begin to think, how ironic this game was...each level is a trial.  Some are easy, some are not.  Some we have to accomplish quickly or we will not succeed, some we can take our time on.  Some trials of life we must attempt many times to ever see the victory.  I think I am at one of those trials in my life.  I am trying desperately to match things up in my life to watch all of the pieces fall into place.  I am also on one of those levels in this game that I must have attempted 50+ times and have still not accomplished!! It is frustrating beyond words to me that at nearly 37 years of age (and level 30 of the game!) I am still battling obstacles. I am still not able to get all 6 pieces of fruit to the finish line of this game!! And I am still struggling with the 6 of us and how we will conquer this challenge in our life, be it collectively or individually.
In the game, if there is a move that you haven't recognized the candy pieces FLASH at you "LOOK AT ME!!" "MOVE ME!!"... I wish that the game of life gave us such obvious clues.  Sometimes we shuffle things around to make other things work and the pieces in that line drop off and there is a small victory...but in the end if we don't get all of the plays made before we run out of moves, we have still not reached our goal.  This level I am on, it seems I have been here forever.  Yes there have been many victories along the way...but I still haven't made all of the right moves.
Maybe I'm not focused enough, maybe I don't have the right attitude, maybe it's just not the right time. It is annoying.  I just want to skip this part!! I'm tired of the little crying candy girl that tells me I've failed at my attempt.
In this game of Candy Crush you can only fail so many times before you have to wait 5 min, 10 min, 20 min before you can try again...you have to set the electronic device down and walk away.  I suppose  that gives you time to work on your strategy...time to revamp your method or just cool off before you throw your phone.
I wonder though...the more we want something, for just the sake of getting past it and on to the next thing, are we learning anything.  Even the easy trials teach us something, they make us appreciate the simple things when we are faced with tougher challenges.  I'm not sure how many times I will have to start this level to read the word SUCCESS across my screen...but until then, I will try and try again.  I know that with patience and focus and yes, a lot of determination, the pieces will eventually fall where they are supposed to fall.  When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change...

Life in a Small Town

Anyone who lives in a small town can relate to the fact that "everybody knows everybody's business"...or at least they think they do. When you have lost something, chances are your neighbors know where it is.  Your business, seems like community business.  When your kids screw up...you get a dozen calls from all of the "step-in parents" who treat your children like their own.
I grew up in a small town, then I moved to another one and I swore as an adult I would never end up there!   After we were married a few years we packed up our lives and headed for the  BIG CITY...and a couple years later we made the choice to come "home".
You wouldn't think that returning to an area that you had know all of your life would be culture shock, but it certainly was.  The BIG CITY we moved to was just outside of Dallas, Texas...Open 24/7, cars everywhere, people everywhere, buildings everywhere, I LOVED IT!! There was always something to do.  There was Culture and Art and Scenery!!  I remember the first night after we moved back and I rolled in to Baxter Springs, KS and was shocked at all of the stores that were closed at 8pm on a Sunday evening and I immediately thought, "what have we just done?!?"  But 3 young children and another on the way...it was the right move.
Adjusting to life back home didn't take long.  We quickly became involved in the schools and the community, volunteering to read with kids at Central, coaching soccer for Spring River Soccer Association and as the years passed the involvement grew.  We ran the Soccer League for several years, coached multiple teams at a time, coached Pee-Wee cheerleading for 6 (long) years, served as homeroom parents, Brownie leader, T-ball coach, Baseball coach and every other thing our kids were involved in.  We embraced the small town life and all of the know-it all drama that goes along with it.  As much as we would have liked to just live our lives and kept everyone out of our business, truth is...as involved as we were, it was difficult.
Now, to where is became an asset.
For every time over the past 11 years that I have uttered the words "WHY did we move back here to this damn small town!?!"...The universe has waited to answer me.  But this past July, the answer was there.
When Brian had his accident this community did what they always do...They talked! And they talked some more...they talked to their friends, their families, their employers and their churches.  They set into motion good deeds that I will never be able to Thank them enough for.
By the time Brian and I loaded the ambulance to head to the hospital I was getting calls and texts asking "what can we do?"  You see...when the postman walks by when you are being loaded in an ambulance and he calls his sister-in-law who is at the baseball field (on a Saturday in a small town...EVERYONE is at the baseball field!) and she begins to "talk" to those around her and tell them what she just heard and those small town folks start to spread the word...things happen.  Prayers happen. They called their pastors and on Sunday the community prayed together.  They posted their concerns on Facebook, they sent out mass texts and emails and called their friends to "talk" about it.  Those small town pot stirrers...they can rally a community, especially when they are talking about "one of their own".
We...were in awe!  We were also in shock.  Still not yet fully comprehending what had just happened to our lives, trying to console our children and listen to the doctors and grasp the information and still remember to breathe.  Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe it...both in a good way, and a bad way. I'm not sure that in those first few days that there would have been anything we could have asked for that we wouldn't have received. But...when you have a village of people coming at you...that is a lot of pressure.  From my view point I was simply trying to be strong for my husband and my children and my friends...and I felt immediately like I also needed to be strong for an entire town.  The cards, money, food, gifts came flooding in and Thanking people quickly became overwhelming.  I'm still trying to process what just happened.
As we sat in the waiting room on the morning after the accident, while Brian was in surgery...a lot of this small town sat with us. They were there early in the morning, coffee in hand...and they waited.  They hugged us, and they cried with us and they prayed for us...and again, it was overwhelming.  When church let out that Sunday morning, more of them came.  They brought food and drinks and toys for the kids and most of the time I simply did not have the words to express the gratitude.
When the Doctor called me back after the surgery was over to tell me that  the situation was just as he had thought, and that Brian had little hope of ever walking again...I had to walk out to that waiting room to tell not just my kids, but a town.
In the days following the surgery Brian was in a lot of pain and very restless.  We placed a sign on the door to his room that said " No visitors"...now that will stir people up!! "What do you mean we can't see him? We drove all the way from Baxter!" Yep, the wife is being a hard-ass...more to talk about.  But...the days turned into weeks and the community stuck with us.  The encouragement kept coming, the cards and letters and prayers kept coming.  The food and money and house supplies kept coming.  This town trimmed our trees, mowed our yard, painted our house, they moved EVERYTHING out of our house and fed our family...all while we were gone.
I had to laugh as I was told of the remodel that was about to begin...We've all had those conversations with our friends that sound something like this "If anything bad ever happens to me you had better get your butt to my house and grab the lock box from the closet and haul it out of there!"... Well, I never thought I would have to see the day!!  But I have the best friends ever, and they had already heard me say those words. Before I even had my wits about me to utter them again, they just called and said "We have the box!" LOL!!  You see, when a community is in your house to help you, your house becomes their house.  Your papers are no longer yours, your pictures are for everyone to see,  your cards and letters and personal belongings are at the mercy of anyone who volunteered to help.  That is OVERWHELMING!!  Oh I can only imagine the conversations..."Did you see how much their cell phone bill is" "Can you believe she keeps her house like this?" "I wonder why she is taking that prescription " I try to block it all out.
My kids were calling saying "Everyone has been here and they moved all of our stuff!"  "I can find my cheerleading shoes!" "My ipod is lost!!", "If I were the sugar, where would I be?!?!" And I try to explain, we just have to be patient, people are helping us and I was so out of control of it, it was frightening.
And then the day came that we loaded the car with our new life and drove away from the Rehab facility and headed home...back to the small town.  And you know what...they were there.  They were still dropping off food, still mowing the yard, still asking what they could do to help...and it was still overwhelming.  After 5 weeks of being surrounded by doctors and nurses and medical equipment I just wanted to come home to my kids and sit on the couch and be quiet.  I didn't want to answer any more questions like "How are you holding up?" "What can we do?" What do you need?" ...what I need is to resume my old life, can you help me with that?
Here is what we don't see while we are going through our own pain...the small town is in pain too.  They are in pain for us, they are in pain for one of their own, they are in pain for our parents who are small town citizens themselves...and all they can do, for us and to ease their own pain, is help.
Those kids that we coached in Cheerleading, Soccer and T-ball....those were the kids who were part of the 3 church youth groups that painted our house.  Those parents that we met during our kids activities, they were the ones helping move our stuff so we could have new carpet.  Those business owners that keep this town alive, they were messaging me, telling me to send my kids to their restaurants so that they could feed them dinner, they were donating to the fund set up at the local bank, and they were donating items to make household repairs.  You see, the old saying is true "It takes a village"
And just when you think you have dropped off of the radar, they are still there...
Just a week or so ago we received a card in the mail that said:
"You all have been on my minds and in my prayers so much lately. The events of this past year have changed everything for you except that "deep down" cheerful attitude and those million dollar smiles that make your family so special.  I can't imagine how difficult things have been, but I do know that you have inspired our community in a big way. Please know that we pray for you always!"
Again...overwhelmed.  This time with joy.  I cried as I read it, I cried as I just typed it and I have cried every time the reality of our situation has crossed my mind.  We cry a lot around here... :-)
It has been a challenge to let my guard down and let all of this happen around me, to embrace the fact that half of the population of BS,KS is "in the know" about our life.  But seeing and hugging everyone at the school events, having people ask you how you are when you are just running to the store for milk, and having the baseball coach tell Brian that "He WILL be back on that field!"...that is the kind of community involvement that makes us proud to live in this small town! I'm so thankful that all of those people were "all up in my business!
Go Lions!!

Baxter Springs, KS 

Youth Groups from Crossroads Christian Church, First Baptist Church and First Christian Church

Check Your Attitude...

"Behind every great kid is a parent that is pretty sure they are screwing it up." I read this on Pinterest today and I thought...YEP! I believe that!!!
I've spent a multitude of moments lately wondering where in the world all of the teenage attitude is coming from.  Biting my tongue through the "What mother?" "Why are you looking at me like that?" and my personal fave "Whatever!"...ahhhh parenthood!
This is a road I started down a bit earlier than I had dreamed.  Small town, class of 38 kids, President of the National Honor Society and a member of the county wide youth awareness program, (you know, the one that teaches teens to be responsible)...pregnant at 17.  Talk about a smooth move!  What a way to start my Senior year!!
But...it happened. Like everything else in life, you just deal with it.  I, nor any member of my family were jumping for joy at the announcement but everyone quickly moved past the shock and on to acceptance, there was no other option.  A baby was on the way!!
A handsome baby boy was born in the fall of 1993, a day that changed my life forever.  Cradling and kissing this beautiful baby I had no idea the joys and smiles and tears that lie ahead.  He was an easy baby, and easy babies spoil us :-)
Now, fast forward...switch fathers (shocking that high school romance didn't end in a fairy tale...write that one down!), add a wedding ring and 3 more kids, a couple of houses, a few animals and a minivan!     Living the dream!  I worked in retail management at a children's clothing store...my kids looked like the walking Gymboree ad!! Matchy ~ Matchy! All dolled up!  Typical American family.
Fast forward again...now they still look cute, but WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE ATTITUDE?
Paying for my raising!!  I was a pretty good kid for the most part, didn't really cause a big stir...until I got knocked-up that is.  But...I did have a teenage attitude! I didn't much appreciate being relocated in  middle school and there was a fair amount of SAS that came along with that.  As well as the typical, tongue lashing that came from things like, waking me up.  My mother, like all mother's used the phrases, "One of these days!" and "When you have children you will understand" and the best one "I hope you have children just like YOU!" HEAVEN HELP ME!!
My easy child...God love him...hasn't really shown me too much attitude.  Always fairly agreeable, loving and compassionate. He is still to this day, 19 years old, very much aware of his tone toward his mother...and I appreciate it more than he will ever know!! My only real challenge with him is his attention...and that he pays none! I used to say "Son, we may have to have your head surgically removed from your rear!" and during these moments I have also been known to shake my head and utter the words (not to him of course, I'm not mean!) "This is why you should not have premarital sex!"... Good Grief!!  But I digress...
But, that second child...spirited from the very first breath she took, all 3 pounds 10 ounces of her...she is giving me a run for my money!! She graced us with her presence 7 weeks early.  Tiny, fragile... deceiving!! LOL...  She has been a rebel from the start. A tired Momma asks, "Oh, you have a cough?" poor baby, let me give you some medicine and since it's late ( you know...after 7) let me make it the Night Time formula...HA!! Guess who had the adverse reaction to that stuff...She did! Pulled an all nighter in a bean bag watching episode after episode of Barney, just what she wanted to do in the first place...I should have known then that I was being challenged! No hair for 2 years, then it was FINALLY long enough for piggy tails, being a girly-girl myself I was so excited...she grabs the scissors, hides behind the rocker and cuts one off!  Ask her to clean her room...NOT A CHANCE...threaten to pack it up and haul it off?  Go ahead...phased her none!! I've spent 16 years looking at this child in AWE of the obstacles that she dominates and the buttons she can push...and the fact that more often than not she gets what she wants!! I try to pick my battles, I've bit my tongue and walked away from things what would have had me picking my butt up off the floor at her age.  She leaves me speechless...a lot!  So what to do???
I feel confident that I am raising good kids. They are not trouble makers, or hellions or pot heads.  They help the less fortunate, they hold the door for others, they know how to conduct themselves in public and they are model students.  BUT...I really spend time in thought regarding whether there will come a moment that I will be pushed too far, and one hateful comment will make me snap and look like a psychopath!  Luckily, most of this is saved for the privacy of our home.
I recall a time, not that long ago that I received a text from a teacher at the school telling me what a wonderfully kind child I had.  How she came up to the teacher everyday to say Hello and ask how she was.  To tell me how she always had a smile for everyone.  I will admit, I thought she had the wrong number!! BUT...at least she uses her manners in public!
This year has been hard on everyone.  Some have taken it harder than others.  Some have dealt and some have hid. Some have helped and some have used it to their advantage.  But one thing is BLAZINGLY OBVIOUS...we have lead by example.
This beautiful, talented, spitfire I have...she is watching me.  And I believe she has been all her life. She is who I was...more so, she is who I AM, be it 20 years difference.  I can be honest with this child and she can be honest with me.  When she lashes out at me, I can hear myself.  When she demands that things he her way, I fight her on it...even though that is how I acted.  She is entitled, and that infuriates me, but you can hardly fault someone for asking for what they want out of life.  And while I can look at my life now and see that if she follows in her mothers footsteps she will be OK, the path she will take to get there scares the crap out of me!!
I have taught her well on many levels...but the one I feel I am failing is respect.  Not so much for others, but for me.  I don't believe in parenting with an iron fist.  I believe that there is more than one way to accomplish things.  I DO NOT believe that you should parent all of your children the same way...they are all different.  But..."What Mother? What do you have to say to me?"...this is phrase that if repeated...will not end well!  I have made poor choices over the years, we all have...having it used against me was not something I was prepared for, especially not from a high schooler.  Last week I asked her to clean her room, and her reply was "Why does it matter to you, you don't even live here"...Oh Hell NO!! Talk about a red flag!!  I have moments of complete fear of this adventure called parenthood...even 19 years into it.
I don't think that you ever stop learning this job.  I am still amazed everyday that I have kept them alive all these years. That they can tie their shoes, and get good grades and be a benefit to society.  When they sing I get tears in my eyes.  When they laugh I can't stop smiling.  And sadly enough, when they give me that attitude that makes me want to smack them in the mouth, I am thankful that they have chosen to give it to me...because I can not imaging living without them.
I wasted a day or a month or a year of my life not living in the present moment and not dealing with the issues that I needed to...and some of those issues had to do with my kids.  Those moments I will never get back...I lost hugs, and tears and attitude!!
All I can say is that I will not let it defeat me...I will use everyday I have left on this earth guiding them. And one day..a llllooooonnnnngggg time from now, I will throw my head back and utter an evil laugh when I say "Just you wait my pretty...your day will come...and I hope your kids act JUST LIKE YOU!!"...and if they do, it will all be fine!

My Addiction...

Sad is the day that we have to face the reality that we have a problem.  Whether we see it for ourself, or our eyes are opened by a caring friend that says, "You have a problem, and it's time to regain control".  

Webster tells us this: 

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

Scary, huh?  So how did I get to this point? All I can say, is it happened fast...and it then it lingered.

It was the last thing that I thought of as I drifted off to sleep and my first thought as my eyes opened and I won't say that there were many nights that it kept me up.  It was my fuel for the day, my calmness in the storm...my daily ritual.  Many times over the years I had the realization and the opportunity to let it go, but even the unstableness of it, as scary as it was, was always more comforting than my reality.  It was my Go-To place...it was where my mind was at  peace. 

I am no pill popper, I don't inject my body with anything and while I drink socially, I am certainly not an alcoholic. I can handle caffeine, chocolate and a rigorous workout in moderation, they certainly do not define me or rule my day. 

When most people come to terms with an addiction it is through counseling or rehab...it is a long journey.  I've spent a little time in the therapists office in the past year, and I've gladly taken the prescribed amount of Prozac to deal with the obstacles that have been placed at my feet.  Both were hugely beneficial!!  But coming to terms and actually having the guts to do something about it, do not always happen at the same time.  You can recognize that you have a problem and still be scared to death to remove it from your life.  You can know that it is bad for you and detrimental to your health and in the same breath FIGHT to keep it.  As wrong as it is...it is comforting.

There were plenty of times I rearranged my day to fit it in...I moved appointments, I cancelled plans with friends,  I let go of my schedule to accomodate it...to my own detriment.  Outsiders could see it, my husband could see it, my friends were well aware, and yet they describe it as watching someone spin out of control and not feeling like they could stop it.  If it had been a bottle or a pill or a needle that needed to be removed they could have easily made the call to throw me in the back of the Crazy Wagon and have me hauled off until I was better...but this was more difficult to get a grasp on.   You see when it is a PERSON that is your drug, it is harder for everyone else to step in and take control.  People are leery to get involved when it could be their word against someone else's, and especially when they don't have all of the details.  But when the person is in your life for the wrong reasons, and when their presence is no longer a benefit to you...they should be removed.  The longer you hold on to this the worse it all becomes.  You lose yourself.  You lose sight of your own goals.  You lose sight of what is REALLY important.  You are so consumed by this drug that you can not function as yourself.  It is TOXIC.  You spend more time trying to cover up the situation than you do living. The tears that are shed and the energy that is consumed is overwhelming. You grasp to hang on to it because honestly, it is what you know, and you feel control for what you know.  Being at the doorstep of uncertainty...is way more terrifying!! Change is PAINFUL...but with change comes growth.  Being able to stand up and say "I see it"..."I know it was wrong"..."I am sorry"...that is a beautiful thing.  Even proclaiming , "that is the worst decision that I could have ever made", "THANK GOD IT IS OVER", admitting that you were WRONG!!! SO VERY WRONG...is a great feeling.  Telling everyone who tried to help you along this path of discovery..."Thank you, and you were right"...helps you get through it.   

Hearing your friends say "I can hear it in your voice that you are better", "I can feel the smile on your face"... powerful.  And the best feeling, is the peace that instantly comes over you when you escort the presence from your life and you shut the door.  Not even the realization of all that you have lost, be it memories or material things, will take away the peace that you have now found.  I am better than the decisions that I have made...yet I am grateful from what I learned from them. What a crazy winding road we travel on our way to self discovery.  If you think something or someone is holding your back, they probably are...make the changes necessary to be able to live the life that you deserve.  I promise you...this will be the most terrifyingly POSITIVE thing that you will ever do.  

To the end of this addiction I can say, I have no regrets that it is gone...On with LIFE!

One more thing...

Do you think it is possible to run out of tears?  To forget how to hug? To stop feeling pain?  I seem to be at that point.  I know that I have emotions...but they seem to be buried so far beneath this hardened exterior that they can not get out.
Every new challenge is met with they thought of "GREAT, one more thing"...and I smile, and I wave, and I go on.
The life that I used to live so freely is gone...it's never coming back.  The daily routine I had, no matter how insane...vanished.  One more log on the fire, one more notch in the belt, one more...one more.
I am not the person I was...inside or out.  I lost control.  I lost control of my body when I stopped my (Yes, CrAzY) workout routine, I'm on the downhill slide to 40 and I've fought the physical ramifications of it for a while...hence the Botox and Implants!! No regrets there!!
 I lost control of my emotions when I lost my Grandmother...and 8 more family members in about 2 years (my daughters as toddlers were playing "Barbie goes to funeral", NO JOKE!)
I lost control of my career when I lost my best friend, not that it was her fault that I couldn't deal with not having her around...but I certainly lost FOCUS on what I was supposed to be doing in my life.
I lost control of my ENTIRE EXISTENCE when my husband drove that lawnmower up the steep ramp and became paralyzed and we spent 5 weeks in hospitals and rehab, kids living like gypsies, house torn up.
And now...I'm just out of control.  Is it inappropriate to call an intervention on yourself?
I've dealt with what I can and now I am tired.  I am DRAINED.  I've cried all of the tears and even my teenager is telling me "Mom, you are supposed to HUG with 2 hands!" What happened to ME?!?!?
I get message upon message from friends and even acquaintances telling me to "Keep my chin up", "Don't lose your SPARKLE!" "Thank You, for sharing your journey with us".  Sometimes I read these and I think...These people must think my life is a Soap Opera!!  I think I will call it "As Your Stomach Churns"...due to the GUT WRENCHING pain that seems to consume most of it.
I...am at a standstill.
I am petrified! I am frozen! I am LOST!
What if I do not emerge on the other side of this the same person that I was before? What if I am worse? What if the only person responsible for me is ME?  What if I don't learn to trust again? Or LOVE again? What if my hugs are always empty and my smiles are fake? Even GLITTER fades...
This is my daily struggle. No control.
2 weeks ago I moved out, upon request...I am now the tenant of 600 sq. ft. of wonderfulness. 1 bedroom, 1 bath...thin walls.  I have a neighbor who has a dog the size of a Shetland pony and who also enjoys dressing as Spiderman.  I also share a common wall with gentleman who can wake me from my sleep with his morning bathroom routine.  I have yet to watch a single TV episode or DVD because I cannot for the life of me figure out how to run the damn thing. But...it is quiet.  And when I am not with the kids, I have time to THINK.  Some evenings I can think for hours and not come up with a single productive thing...sometimes I figure out lots.  I feel like I am decompressing.  I have surrounded myself with pretty things, pictures of my children and of my friends, nothing cluttered or stressful.  No wheelchairs or standing frames or medical equipment...I know that sounds harsh, but that is my reality.
When I wake up in the mornings here I see 2 things immediately...1. A sign that hangs above a door in my room that says "YIELD...Small Changes, BIG results"  and 2. a mirror...the last thing that I see every night and the first thing I see every morning is MYSELF.
I feel like these blogs should also come with a disclaimer, like the ones that you see on reality TV crime shows..."The stories you are about to hear are taken from real life events, some details are removed to protect those involved"...as always, there is more to it than the bullet points that I lay out for you.  Much more!!
There is more in the way of outside influence in my life, more in the aspect of the sense of responsibility that I feel is expected from me both personally and professionally, more in the emotional aspect...due to the separation, the roller coaster of the accident and the aftermath of that also, the feeling of the loss of love.  There is so much more!!!
I see myself keeping those who love and care for me at bay.  Just far enough that if they decide this Soap Opera isn't one they want to guest star on, they can sneak away...and I won't get hurt. I have however latched on to one...and most likely the wrong one.  One that takes the focus off of me and my pain and allows me the outlet to say everything that I need to hear.  One that draws out the focus that I have left, one that allows me to laugh at the memories of better times and one that can call me on my crap when I get down.  And now, due to their own struggles...it's too much for them to handle so their character is being removed from the show.  Just what I need.  One more thing...
I should feel great pain in this realization...but sadly, I am not surprised.  I've already fought this battle and cried these tears.  I've come to the conclusion that I was supposed to learn a lesson from this person, maybe not the time I needed it...the saying that goes "Everyone is either a blessing or a lesson"...I will take comfort in the belief that I was a blessing to them when they needed it, and I am disheartened by the fact that they were my lesson.
I keep saying I just can't handle ONE MORE THING...but the things just keep coming.  I am learning to not take it personally.  But I would welcome a reprieve!
Here is the kicker...when we stop getting smacked with obstacles, we have run out of life.
Everything.  EVERY-thing. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G...happens for a reason!
I have the people in my life that I have because they have been placed here for me.  I believe that I had the children that I have, at the times I had them (be it way too young!), for a reason.  I have been handed the cards, and now I must play. Playing, might be starting a whole new game...or it might be picking up where I left off before...only time will tell.
I started this blog to help myself...I am continuing this blog due to the requests I have received to keep going with it.  I was criticized by some for telling these stories because they didn't paint a very good picture ...but this is LIFE.
This journey has hit a traffic jam...detours are not an option...the WILL to get through it, is all that I have packed...So, I will wait.
As a beautiful friend told me this morning...You can be pitiful or POWERFUL, it is your choice.
I choose Powerful.

Nothingness...

I think that after nearly 37 years of life there aren't many feelings left for me to experience.  I've had all the normal ones...happiness, joy, LOVE, frustration, anger, HATE, sadness, sorrow and PAIN. But the feeling that tops them all is NOTHING.
Any smart person can tell you that when you ask a woman "What's wrong?" and she replies "Nothing!", it means SOMETHING, and usually something BIG! But that isn't what I'm talking about...I'm talking about the NOTHING that you feel after you have run through every other emotion there is.  You have already been mad, you have already felt the hurt, you have experienced the rage, you have cried the tears...you have screamed, kicked your feet, pounded your fist and choked and gagged until you threw up, and then....there is NOTHING.
NOTHING is worse than "Something" any day of the week.  "Something" is something!  There is a peace with "something"...at least you know what you feel!!! Nothingness is the worst.
I've spent my unfair share of time in NOTHING...I believe it takes a major life change to get to this point.

There were many factors that contributed to my marriage falling into the "troubled" category...many of them everyday stresses that we all experience.  Kids, family, money, debt, careers...life in general.  And then in true "Jen Smith style", we had our fancy ones too!  Dishonesty, deceit,  adultery!  (Oh yes...I wrote that! )

How do we deal with all of this? How do we process it? What are we supposed to feel...and when are we supposed to feel it??   STRESS!!! Stress over the situation itself and over the emotions that follow the situation.  Stress over HOW to react, or over the fact that we didn't react, or how others reacted.  Which emotion comes first? AAAHHHHHHHH....and then, here it is...a game plan of sorts, to help us through.  Her name is SARA...
Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance

Think back to a life event that really took it out of you.  After the breath was returned to your lungs and you had the capability of processing the situation, you were GOT! You were blindsided and you are questioning what in the hell just happened? Is that even possible?!? WHY!?!? Who in the world would do that!?!?  You were in SHOCK!! This crap doesn't happen to ME! This is like a horror movie!

Then you were mad, your eyes nearly bugged out of your head, you screamed, you threw things!! When you got behind the wheel to go for a drive to cool off you were like Mario Andretti! (or that female race car driver...that would make more sense, CLEARLY not a NASCAR fan!)  Looking for an open road to just gun it! Even thinking for a minute that while your intention was not to wreck and die, you weren't sure that you would actually AVOID an oncoming motorist if the were in your lane. You are pissed!! You are enraged! You are filled with ANGER!! And anger lasts a while...a long while! Anger isn't an easy emotion to process...anger takes time! When you are in anger you over think everything...you plan your attack!!  You are applying Newtons law to your life: To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  What can I do that is just as bad as what was done to me???  How can I right this wrong? How can I inflict pain!?!??  Oh anger, thou art a heartless bitch!

Eventually the anger dies and what it is replaced with is bitterness.  You are bitter about the way you were treated, bitter at the situation, about the feelings that you were forced to feel.  That last one was always the kicker for me!! How dare you force me to FEEL all of that!! Yes...I have a wall up, A HIGH WALL!! I completely resent that!!

And then...you calm.  Calm does not come from others comforting you, it does not come in pill form, liquid form, or at the expense of a therapist (which I highly recommend!)...it literally falls upon you.  You wake up one day...and you are calm.  Does it mean that you forgive everything? No.  Does it mean that you are back to normal? NO.  But...there is a sense of peace about it.  You have realized that you can move on.  You have accepted the situation for what it is, and you are confident that you are going to live through it.  It's also somewhat scary...because what seemed so important to you and consumed so much of you, is now gone...and now what???  Life...

So where in this game plan is NOTHING?  I put it in the middle of Anger and Resentment...you may place it somewhere else.  And I held on to NOTHING for a really long time.  The problem with NOTHING is this...it sucks the life out of you!! It builds walls that cannot be torn down!! It stops conversations, it stops tears, it stops interaction with everyone.  Honestly I think it resembles depression.  Your give-a-shit (sorry...) gauge is broken!!  Everything suffers...everyone suffers!

When I was at NOTHING I woke up, went to work, came home, went to my room...lather, rinse, repeat!  I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to cry about it, I didn't want to live (not a suicidal reference...).  It is numbing.  It is draining.  It SUCKS!  I honestly think that it changes you.  There is a part of me that will never recover from my time spent on NOTHING...a part of my soul seemed to die. A little bit of the glitter was lost...forever.

For me this blog is therapeutic. It helps me put things together, to make sense of my thoughts. Does it mean that I will skip NOTHING the next time my life goes bananas? Probably not.  Remember, I'm a slow learner.  Will I go back and talk everything out that I should have when I was going through hell? No...it's too far gone to rehash.  But...I think I will recognize it sooner if it presents itself to me again...and I think the awareness is key.

I sincerely hope that your life never takes you through the path of NOTHING...I give you permission to skip this step completely.  Never lose your glitter :-)

I think I finally "get it"...

One of my earliest memories as a child of was about Jesus...
**For anyone who KNOWS me well...you are already confused about this particular blog post just from the first sentence, because Jesus isn't something that you've ever heard me talk about.**
I couldn't have been more than a preschooler...One of our many cats had kittens and one had died. I was standing at the back door of our garage at the house in Wyandotte and as plain as day, 30 plus years later I can still see this image...Jesus, dressed in the robe, bearded face, just like the picture that hung above the alter at the First Baptist Church in Wyandotte, standing in our back yard...holding the kitten... smiling at me, and elevating up to heaven. 
I have never claimed to be a "religious" person.  I would say that I am more "spiritual" than anything, thinking of this I decided to look up the actual definition of the word religion: The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods. 
I grew up in church.  We were there on Sundays, my Mom was the youth group leader, I went to church camp and I was baptized in elementary school, but to say that I could tell you the story of the bible...I cannot.
As an adult and a parent, I have never preached to my family or made church a regular event...but my children have understood the concept and beliefs of the church and all have participated in youth groups, Habitat events and attended ...and the oldest 3 have been baptized, due to their own faith, not one influenced by me.  
If you ask me if I believe in God, I would have no hesitation in telling you "YES, I do"...mostly because of that image in my backyard. Because I believe, to this day, that it was proved to me.
The confusing part to me is that I also believe in fate, karma, soul mates and the fact that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, none of which I correlate with religion.
Why would a SUPERHUMAN CONTROLLING POWER allow so much pain?  This has always alluded me. 
My life has been a bit of a roller coaster over the last year and a half, and by some of your standards probably longer than that. I do not believe that my struggles are any worse than yours, we all have our own stories, we all have our own pain. But there are times in our lives that we scream out and question "WHY!?!?" Why is this happening?? What did I do??? How were my sins any worse than anyone else's? Why am I being punished??
A year ago this past October I lost one of my best friends. She didn't die, but she is forever gone from my life.  I struggled for many months with this loss and just when I was about to turn a corner, Brian had his accident.
Life lesson: Never utter the phrase "nothing could be worse!"...there is ALWAYS something worse! 
So many people have told me to turn it all over to God, he won't fail me...and I have to say, I have wanted to reply, "REALLY?!?!"
I have learned to pray...A LOT! When I am in the car the radio is off, so I can process, and think...and PRAY. When I am home alone... no TV, no music, no noise...so I can do the same.  I want to make the right decisions for myself, for my family, for my children...and I feel like the decisions that make the most sense to me are very selfish at times, and I struggle with that.  When I read others Facebook status, or blogs or messages and they talk about "giving it all to God", I always think...I wish I was strong enough to do that!! I wish that I had that much faith that SOMEONE...that ANYONE had that much power in my life. 
In my world, realization takes time...I am a slow learner.  But I have put a few things together recently that have made all the difference.  I think that GOD gives us what we NEED...and apparently he knows better than I do.  
People are placed in our lives for a reason, to bless us or teach us...and either is fine. 
I lost my friend and I was miserable...I spent every day with this person. I confided in her, I trusted her and I adored her...and I was literally LOST with out her.  My life, routine and existence changed when she was gone.  I could not imagine why ANYONE or ANYTHING would allow this to happen.  It took me many months to accept all of this, and I can now finally look back on all of those memories of her and be thankful for what I learned and gained from that friendship. I owe that to a handful of people who put up with my drama and tears...and to God. The accident that happened in July...took the change in life, routine and existence to a whole new level.  It was almost like losing my friend was my test run into what was ahead.  Sneaky one God...
BUT...I have to say, the people that have presented themselves in my life after these events, have taught me just as much. People I haven't even known very long...have made so much difference in my thoughts and beliefs. 
When I woke up this morning, this was the message in my in-box:

"How can you be sure you're making the right decision? Some times it may seem as if God plays hide and seek when we're trying to know His will, but that 's not the way He operates. He wants to give us clear direction. We have two main obstacles that hinder our discernment: sin in our life and our own strong desires about the situation. To receive the Lord's guidance, we must repent of all known sin and make our choices secondary to His.
Sometimes it takes a great deal of strength to stand still when everything within you is shouting, "Hurry! Time is running out!" But if you rush ahead of God, you may miss His will.The Bible clearly instructs us to keep coming to the Lord with our concerns. Continue to pray as the Word of God has an answer for every need. So often when we 're faced with a critical choice, all we want from the Lord is a quick answer. But He delights to meet with us in order to deepen our relationship with Him. In our own strength, we are totally ineffective. Our past failures never prevent God's willingness or ability to use us. Submitting to God's authority, we can experience His victory in whatever He calls us to do.I hope I've been of some help. Many hugs to you tonight. I am praying for you."


This from a lady who has been a perfect example in my life, yet one who I've only known a short time...she is wise, she is thoughtful and she is PATIENT, I envy that!
See...People are placed in our lives for a reason, we are given what we NEED.  I needed to hear these words this morning, I needed to be reassured of life, of my thoughts and of GOD.  So many times over the last several months I have clearly seen that image of Jesus and the kitten...and I have thought at the time, WHY does this keep popping in my head????  Why do I see it so vividly???  Anyone who heard me say this out loud would surely think I was nuts!!  But there it was, clearly written this morning.  I am being taught a lesson...and I believe that I am supposed to teach it to others.  Was I in church this morning? NOPE...will I be there next week? Chances are slim.  Do I believe that you have to be there to say that you believe? Not at all.  
I knew I believed a long time ago.  I proved I believed when I was baptized.  I have not lived the life that reflects that and I have condemned the life for punishing me for it...but it's  lesson.  I know myself well enough to know that this lesson will in no way lead me to preach to others about religion and God...but it will allow me the strength to tell them to be patient, to believe and to have faith that you will get what you NEED from this life, if you are willing to pay attention and  believe.  Even slow learners finally "get it"...