The REALITY of it all...

On July 21, the world as we knew it changed dramatically.  My husband of nearly 16 years, father to my children, a very active and athletic guy (and extremely stubborn) was attempting to drive a riding lawn mower up steel ramps into the back of a full-sized truck.  Being a ZTR mower, which is back-heavy, and the incline being rather steep, the mower tipped backward off of the ramp with Brian still in the driver seat and crushed his T12 vertebra, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down.
NOW...what I know is how to sell Real Estate, not be a nurse! Let me tell you however, that what ever your mind can conceive, it can achieve. 2 weeks in the hospital with chest tube, IV's, catheters, bed baths and much more...then on to rehab in Oklahoma City for another 3 weeks.  I learned it all!! These are the everyday things that go along with such a tragedy, what you aren't taught...and frankly I do not think can be taught, is how to deal with the emotions behind it all.
So many milestones go along with such a journey, most of which I eagerly shared with my Facebook friends.  "LOOK! He's sitting up!!"  "LOOK! He's doing therapy!" "LOOK! He's lifting weights!"... the tears, I didn't post. I didn't post the hard times, and I understand that most of them go without saying, I know that no one assumes that this fork in the road is a piece of cake and I didn't want to portray this event as the worst possible thing in the world, but in OUR world...it was.
We had to suck it up, we had to just deal with it!! We had 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 careers, and a home to get back to, so let's knock this out and get back to it.

Honestly, the hospital and the rehab center were a cake walk compared to the emotion of being home.  When you are surrounded with doctors and nurses, therapists and visitors you are focused on what you need to be doing at the time.  When you come home, you are faced with all the things that were so familiar to you being so far from familiar now.  The house had changed, it had been adapted for wheelchair accessibility. The kids had changed, we were gone for 5 weeks and they had to live like gypsies.  Our roles in our jobs had changed, when you are in sales being MIA for 5 weeks isn't conducive to profitability and even though Brian primarily had a "desk job" as an Accountant, there were still aspects of his job that took him out and about at times, to accomplish inventories and such, to which we jokingly say "he can't reach anymore".
I went from being a full time Realtor and (as my husband would say) Joplin Socialite to being a stay at home mother and wife.  I spent my days taking care of Brian until he went back to work at the end of September, taking care of the house (which had to be CLEAN now so that the wheelchair could navigate easily), running after the kids and everything that they forgot to take to school with them, chasing dogs and now cats (WEAK MOMENT on my part!!).  I had the house running like a well oiled machine.  Dinner schedule, cleaning schedule, out patient therapy schedule, GO, GO, GO.  And then one day, I realized that I didn't DEAL with the situation. I powered through it like I do everything else.  On July 21, I said..."OK, well this sucks! But...I got this!!"  I had 4 kids to be strong for, I had a husband to be strong for, I had parents and friends and co-workers to be strong for.  I didn't cry that day...not once! And in the coming weeks I may have shed a few tears, but I never had a breakdown.  I wasn't going to have a bad day, and I certainly wasn't going to let my "Facebook family" in on the fact that this SUCKS!!
I have had a spoiled life as a wife, my husband has always been very involved with the kids, he has always cooked and cleaned and done laundry.  He was the one to lock the doors at night and take the dogs out early in the morning...so to return home to do everything was a change for me. I didn't complain, but I did notice. Does the fact that he is in a wheelchair mean that he can no longer do all of those things? NO...but he certainly didn't want to.  He had become very depressed, and that more than anything took a toll on me.  Positive GLITTERY monologues of how our days were going were not to be overshadowed by all of his negativity! After all, the accident was over...TIME TO GET ON WITH IT! Suck it up...move on!  Let me tell you, it doesn't work that way!!
You have to DEAL!! You have to talk it out! There will be blame and hurt and tears!! I heard it all and I said it all!! I was told that the accident was MY fault because I'm the one that wanted the yard mowed that day...not a phrase that you can get out of your head!! While I know that the statement was driven by anger and frustration, and that he didn't REALLY believe that I had caused this to happen, it still hurt like hell!! It caused me to shut the door on productivity in this house and realize that I had just stopped "my life" for this situation. I don't regret it, not one bit! I was exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. But here is what you didn't read on Facebook...

On June 27, 1 month BEFORE the accident, we had filed a divorce petition.  We had been separated from March to June...

On July 21, the world as we knew it changed dramatically...and it was a world many of you weren't even aware of.  We went from not getting along, to being in the same room together everyday for 5 weeks.  We went from him being the one that had to "deal" with most things to me being the one that had to "deal" with everything. WE had to rely on ME and my GLITTERY POSITIVE portrayal of life...but I didn't "deal" with the affect it was having on ME!

So here we are, 7 months later...and I'm not going to tell you things are going well.  I'm not going to say that we aren't right back to where we started. But what I will say, is that when everything is going wrong...you set your expectations and your standards HIGH, and you follow where they lead you!

Happiest of Birthdays...

Today is a day that I dread every year...it was my beloved grandmother's birthday.  While I think of her every single day, this is the day that I miss her the most.  So much of who I am is owed to her.  I have so many memories from the 23 years we spent together.
I grew up on a farm in rural Oklahoma, and while I was surrounded daily with the "country life", she was my big city adventure.  She and my grandfather lived in Tulsa...they had NEIGHBORS!! She worked at a gourmet kitchen store, drank wine out of stemmed glasses, cooked beautiful meals, wore high heels and fancy jewelry and she loved to laugh!! She was my Mimi.
I will never forget the Christmas that Mimi and Pa bought us REAL FUR COATS!! (and not from anything that we fed on the farm!), Oh My...I thought I was BIG STUFF!! "Only the best for her babies", she would say! Gifts were always so exciting coming from Mimi...pretty silver plated hand mirrors, fancy engraved compacts, jeweled writing pens, and beaded purses!! Every girly girls dream!
She took us to OVER THE TOP restaurants, elaborate weddings, and introduced us to things we would never have experienced otherwise. But most of all what I remember was the TIME she spent with us.  The time to teach me how to act like a lady, how to set the table, fold the napkins, walk in heels and stand with good posture.  She was a role model like no other.
As a mother at an early age myself I relied on her until I figured everything out.  For 2 weeks after Jarrett was born she stayed with us to help me out, I remember crying the day she went back home...but she taught me what I needed to know!  2 more babies followed for her to bless with her sweet lullabies.  I can still hear her cradling my precious little ones and singing "I love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck"...
When she went into the hospital for heart surgery, we were all scared...I went to see her just before they took her back and she was crying and I remember saying "don't worry, it's going to be ok"...and she said "I hope so, because I need to watch my babies grow up".  I went home with the kids to wait to hear when the operation was complete, but as the day went on, and the complications grew, I went back to the hospital to be with everyone else...and I was there when the surgeon came out to say that she was gone.  By far the worst moment in my life to that point.  The first thing that I said was "what am I going to tell my babies?" How would I exist in a world without her?  She was my rock.
Nearly 13 years later, not a day goes by that I don't think of her...and most days I reference her in some way.  She will always be with me...when I set the fancy table, and fold the cloth napkins, when I use the sparkly rhinestone ink pens and when I correct you on your posture...it is in thanks to her.
Maybe I should rephrase the comment "today is a day I dread..." I don't dread the day, I can't think of a better memory of February 26 than Suzanne Watson, what I dread is how much I know that I will miss her this very day every year.
Everything happens for a reason, of this I am sure...but I do believe that she is watching my babies grow up, and as funny as it sounds...every now and then I get a tingle in my back that feels like someone is putting their hand on me, and I think of her.
Happiest of Birthday's Mimi...